This week's reflections
Have you ever noticed how many people give great advice and then do the opposite themselves?
There are doctors who eat too much and never exercise. There are dentists who don’t floss, police officers who speed and financial advisers in debt. There are life coaches and therapists whose own lives are a mess trying to tell you how to sort yours out.
There are also people like me. I will tell a friend with an injury to take a day off from running and see the physio, then hobble down my own stairs to go out for a run.
On my mind this week
This has a name. It is called Solomon’s paradox, after King Solomon, who was famous for his wisdom. He gave out brilliant advice, ignored it himself and his kingdom fell apart.
Two things get in the way: our ego and our emotions. When the problem belongs to someone else, you see it clearly. When it belongs to you, you feel embarrassed about how far behind you are and you avoid it.
Students do this all the time. If you ask them what a friend should do three weeks before a test, they know exactly what to say. If you ask what they should do, they tell you they are going to fail.
Study Tip
Give yourself the advice you would give a friend.
Imagine your friend comes to you and says: “I’ve got an exam coming up. I’m really stressed. I don’t know how I’m going to remember everything and I think I’m going to fail.”
A good friend would say: “Take a deep breath and sit down. When did you last open the textbook? Have you done any work lately? Do you know what is coming up in the test?”
Now have that conversation with yourself. Talking to yourself like a friend puts distance between you and your ego and your emotions. Once they are out of the way, you can get on with the work you already know you should be doing.
For parents
When you tell them what to do, the ego and the emotions come straight back in and they end up defending themselves.
Ask instead: “If your friend was in your position, what would you tell them?” They usually know the answer. Let them say it, then ask when they are going to do it.
Quote of the week
“It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.”
– François de La Rochefoucauld
